Why ABC Family is my spirit animal

One of the best parts about being an adult, in my opinion, is watching holiday movies you love on repeat whenever you want, with no judgment from others or a parent telling you to go brush your teeth and go to bed. And wine. Don’t forget the wine. And maybe even some pumpkin spiced candles (guys I got Lucy some pumpkin spiced dog treats…she loves them, trust me on this).

Needless to say, I’m single. And when I am not training, sleeping, or working, this Halloween season you’ll likely find me snuggling with Lucy watching one of my favorite tv/movie networks, ABC Family. Not only do I get to obsessively watch their made-for-tv Christmas Movies on the 25 Days of Christmas in December (I am dead serious when I say I have watched ‘The 12 Dates of Christmas’ like, 47 times, but you guys it’s SO GOOD), but NOW, they have the 13 Nights of Halloween on ABC Family. Specifically, ‘Hocus Pocus’, AKA the Holy Grail of cheesy yet awesome Halloween movies, is on my agenda…on repeat. It’s funny, cozy, mildly “scary” at times…ok so it’s mostly cheesy but ABC Family hits a soft spot with me and that’s just the way it goes. And now as an adult, I get to judge it. Another favorite pass time of mine (kidding…kinda)

But still, the experience of watching it as an adult is wildly different than as a child when all sorts of things just went right over my head. So grab some Halloween candy and humor me, because here are all the things I just thought when I watched Hocus Pocus as an adult:

  1. Thackery Binks is still hot.
  2. Why is his name not Zachary? Is Thackery a thing? [Googles.] No, not really.
  3. I’m pretty sure SJP’s character has spent a little too much time sniffing the cauldron if you know what I mean and I think you do.
  4. I wonder what a child smells like to a witch. Bacon? Melted cheese? Mmmm.
  5. Before there was The Weeknd, there was Mary:
    Left: Oh My Disney; Right:
  6. The font size in the witches’ spell book is the same size font in my dad’s phone. AKA visible from space.
  7. I miss the ’90s…
  8. But not the fashion. Definitely not tie-dyed shirts and scrunchies.
  9. “Tubular” needs to make a comeback.
  10. I’m changing my name from Lindsey to Ice. [refills wine glass]
  11. Max is seriously ungrateful for that awesome room. Just wait until he grows up, moves to San Francisco, overpays for an apartment the size of his childhood closet, and has 3 roommates.
  12. I love how these parents are all, “You do you, kids, we’re off to get drunk!” I want to be them.
  13. “Max likes your yabos. In fact, he loves them.” Every time I hear this line I giggle with fresh embarrassment.
  14. I need a YouTube tutorial on Winifred Sanderson’s lipstick look. Immediately.
    Image Source: Oh My Disney
  15. You know, if someone had just told the Sanderson sisters about a little thing called plastic surgery, no one would have to die in the name of beauty.
  16. It’s starting to get mildly awkward how many times they reference Max’s virginal state, no?
  17. “I suggest we form a calming circle.” Oh, Mary. You sniffed the cauldron too, didn’t you?
  18. I need more wine.
  19. Current tally of how many times they’ve reminded us Max is a virgin: 3,492,840,234
  20. “He has a little woman.” “Sounds tasty.” I just can’t even with these ladies.
  21. Mary watching TV for the first time is me every time my Lucy does her little sigh….THIS IS SO GREAT NEVER END I LOVE YOU! MORE! MORE!
  22. “It’s the chocolate-covered finger of a man named Clark!” [dives into the Halloween candy]
  23. Ok we totally get why they ditched the kids to go to this party. It’s awesome.
  24. Whoa, mom. Whoa. Did my mom wear stuff like this when I was like, 7, and I didn’t know about it? YOU GO MOM.
    Image Source: Oh My Disney
  25. Bette Midler mic drop.
  26. I’m totally getting a black cat and naming him Thackery Binx wait no I’m not Lucy would EAT HIM.
  27. It’s 5 AM and the parents are still out? Yep they are my role models.
  28. Damn it, Dani. Way to get snatched.
  29. Imagine if that cauldron was filled with sangria? No one would be complaining then.
  30. YES! MAX TO THE RESCUE! This kid is growing on me. There’s a little Freddy Prinze, Jr. thing happening here. Or maybe that’s the wine. What ever happened to FPJ? Ugh he was a stud. I’ll watch “She’s All That” next.
  31. Would my brother ever sacrifice his life to a witch for me? Helllll no.
  32. “I’m sorry Emily, I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light a candle!” LOL. Guy’s got jokes.
  33. I can’t wait to watch this 6 more times.
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